I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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