How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How external is "for external use only"?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
