i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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