Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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