You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
