i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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