My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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