I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
