the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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