if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
