your thong is hanging out like whoa
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize