Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
