you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
