Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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