I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
im about as happy as oj after his trial
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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