I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
honey bunches of taint.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
