My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
where am i from again
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
