seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
