There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
