dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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