oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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