i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
