i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
