At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
