It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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