Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
