i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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