So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
