Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
