You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
