So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
