The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
