Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize