Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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