I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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