You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
