I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Help. Why am I so naked?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
