My cat gives me a boner
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
