I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
