Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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