I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
