the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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