I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
