do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize