you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
