what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
