I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
