Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
