it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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