at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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