i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
