sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize