The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize