we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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