is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
