i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
