i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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