you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
