It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Randomize
