with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
