She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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