Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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