atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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