I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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