I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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