Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
send nudes
from the living room?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
