I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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