woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize